525,600 minutes,
5,000 moments so dear.
25,600 minutes,
How do you measure a year?
If there’s one thing the past few years have taught me, it’s that life is incredibly short. One moment you’re laughing with someone you love, and then the next, they’re gone. You might brush someone off, never realizing that could be your last chance to truly connect. The years have taken and taken from us without hesitation, leaving behind only the things we wish we’d done differently.
Last night, as I lay staring at the empty ceiling in my bedroom, a thought crept into my mind: “If I die today, who will I be?”
How will people remember me? What will they say when I’m gone?
I’ve made more mistakes than I’d care to admit. Growing up, I’ve worn the role of the “bad guy” in more situations than I care to count ”bad student, bad co-worker, bad friend, bad boss, bad lover, bad son” you name it. I’ve made decisions I’m not proud of, often trading fleeting highs for lasting lows. In pursuit of fitting in, I’ve missed the mark in so many ways.
But then again, what really matters in the end?
Am I living to please others, or am I truly living for myself? Am I happy? Have I put off what really matters for the illusion of security? Have I truly been living? These are the questions that haunt me, that push me into the depths of my existential thoughts.
I’ve always told myself to live with no regrets, but if I’m honest with myself, if I die today, I know I’ll die with many regrets.
I will always regret not taking my dog, Meechum, to the mountaintop because I was too lazy. I’ll regret not hugging my loved ones more often because I’m not expressive enough. I’ll regret holding back tears over my failures because I thought I had to stay strong. I’ll regret never telling the people I love how much they truly mean to me because I was scared of being vulnerable. And I’ll regret not fully living my life.
We die a little bit each day – whether we acknowledge it or not. Time ticks on, and we can’t stop it. We can’t take back the 525,600 minutes or pause the relentless march of nature. But we can choose to make the most of every single moment.
As we lose little pieces of ourselves with each passing day, we also have the power to live more fully. To make uncomfortable choices. To embrace the unknown. To step out of our comfort zones and see what life has to offer. My bad decisions are part of the journey too, and I accept them. I’m human, after all. We can plan all we want, but the truth is, we never know what’s next.
Life isn’t about how others perceive you. If you live for their judgment, you’ll slowly crumble. Life is about taking chances, accepting the consequences, and owning who you are, regardless of how you might appear.
So, I ask myself again: If I die today, who do I want to be?
And on my tombstone, I’d want it written: “Here lies Jose Margo, a person who lived.”