525,600 minutes,
5,000 moments so dear.
25,600 minutes,
How do you measure a year?
If there’s something I’ve learned over the past three years, it’s that life is short. You could be laughing with someone dear and they’ll be gone the next month. You could’ve ignored someone not knowing it would be the last chance you could’ve interacted. The past years took and took lives relentlessly without any remorse.
Last night, I was staring at the empty ceiling of my bedroom and I was thinking, “If I die today, who will I be?”
How will people remember me? What will people talk about in my wake?
Growing up, I know I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in life. I’ve seen myself in different scenarios where I was the bad guy. I’ve been a bad student, bad co-worker, bad friend, bad boss, bad lover, bad son – name it, I became that bad guy. I’ve done things I’m not proud of in the pursuit of conforming to society. Getting temporary highs in exchange for semi-permanent lows became my thing.
But then again, what really matters?
Am I living to please others or am I living for myself? Am I happy? Did I put something on hold to have a fake sense of security? Have I really been living? I ask myself these things as I deep dive into my usual existential questions.
I always tell myself to live life with no regrets. While “No regrets” is one of my guiding principle in life, I know that if I die today, I will die with many regrets.
I will regret not bringing my dog to the top of the mountain just because I’m lazy. I will regret not being able to hug the people I love more often just because I’m not expressive. I will regret not crying the tears from my failures just because I’m supposed to be strong. I will regret not expressing verbally love to those whom I cherish just because I’m scared to be vulnerable. I will regret not living my life fully.
We die every day. It’s the inevitable truth. We cannot take back each minute of the 525,600 moments oh so dear. We cannot stop time and nature from happening, but we can make the most of each minute.
As we die a little by little, we can also choose to live more and more every day – to make more uncomfortable choices, accept unconventional concepts, go out of our comfort zones every once in a while, and experience what life can offer. My bad decisions are also part of me trying to live and that’s okay. I am human. We can plan but we will never know what’s next.
Life is not about how others will think of you. If you let people’s perception of you all the time, you’ll fall apart slowly but surely. Life’s about taking chances and accepting consequences no matter how you will appear.
So I ask again myself… If I die today, who do I want to be?
Write it on my tombstone, “Here lies Jose Margo, a person who lived.”